"Cracked" Can Solve New Moon in Minutes

Here's something interesting coming from Cracked.com. The website address and its name should be enough ;)

They came up with a list of 6 movies you can solve in minutes, and New Moon ranked at #2. Here's what they have to say.

What Happened:

In the second film of the series, archetypically emo 18-year-old Bella Swan breaks up with her Anne Rice fantasy boyfriend Edward, so he turns into a bat and flies away. With Edward, the money-maker, off-screen for much of the film, the producers overcompensate with half a dozen tanned, muscular werewolves who wax their bodies and wear their jeans low enough that you don't have to use so much of your imagination.

However, once Edward mistakenly thinks that Bella committed suicide, he falls into a suicidal depression of his own. The whole plot of this film then surrounds Bella's frantic attempts to contact Edward and reveal that she is alive, so that he doesn't kill himself in turn. Just in case the homage isn't explicit enough, Bella is seen at one point being deeply engrossed in a copy of Romeo and Juliet.

What Would Have Made More Sense:

Shakespearean allusions aside, the threadbare scrunchie holding this whole goddamn movie together is the idea that Bella and Edward are unable to communicate with each other in the Information Age.

This gaping plot abyss could easily have been avoided had it been explained that there's some kind of ancient curse preventing vampires from using anything more technologically advanced than a wheelbarrow. We could suggest that, if not for the fact that Bella spends half the movie exchanging emails with Edward's sister.

The idea of Edward being led to believe that Bella killed herself when she didn't is a feat virtually impossible to pull off in the 21st century, never mind in the Twilight universe. For one, Edward is freaking telepathic. However, should Edward choose to check Bella's vitals the old fashioned way, here's an idea: Call her on her white Nokia 7360. Yes, a phone, like the one that was used to tell Edward about Bella's apparent suicide in the first place.

Apparently, even at this proximity it's not clear whether Bella died.

Unfortunately, this route has fewer bare-chested teenage boys. Unless, of course, Edward chose to Google them while checking up on Bella in Facebook chat.

Images: Cracked


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